Reflecting On Times That Felt Tough

Jun 30, 2022

I like to keep a gratitude journal, and the other day I was looking back over one of my very first journals that I started right after I first started learning nonviolent communication. I decided to share it with you today. It’s called reflecting on times that felt tough.

What I used to do was use what is called OFNR, observation, feeling, need and request. I did my best to reflect on each one of those steps. I really wanted to have more ease, peace and harmony, especially in relationship with my youngest son. I find it fascinating to go back and see where I was all those years ago. 

O - My observation was: I really wanted to go to church this morning with my family...I tried to help Rylan get ready for Sunday School and it went downhill fast. I get so tired of needing to wait. I'm confused how to help him move forward out of being stuck. He uses such a loud voice, calls names progressively more violent, then explodes. Out of frustration I mirror him which escalates the...

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Shutting Down and Changing the Subject

Jun 22, 2022

Do you take the time to reflect on your relationship with your loved ones? What influences our feelings, perceptions, and behaviors as evolving human beings? Are you consciously creating a nurturing environment where safety and trust influence the activation of genes and sculpt the structure of the brain?   

The genes that children inherit influence their development and shape the inborn characteristics of their nervous systems. Their experiences also directly shape their development and influence which genes are activated. Relationships that provide contingency (responses to other's signals with a quality, intensity, and timing which clearly reflect the signals that were sent), especially when emotions are heightened, offer our loved ones repeated experiences where they feel connected, understood and protected. 

I noticed when homeschooling my son, Rylan, that rather than sharing a mutual sense of interest and wonder as we focused on learning, Rylan would shut down...

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Fears In The Night

May 25, 2022

I remember when Rylan told me about his fears in the night. He said, ”I just get so scared! If I wake up and you aren't there I think you are dead!"   

"I'm hearing just how scared you feel when you wake up and think I'm dead because you can't see me," I reflected, "you really like it when you know I'm okay and you aren't alone?" I guessed.   

"Yeah," Rylan's eyes widened as he continued, "but I get so scared my stomach hurts and it terrifies me! I want it to stop and I don't know what to do."   

"So you feel so scared your stomach hurts and it's terrifying? You really want it to stop; yet don't know what to do? I'm guessing you might like some support and new tools maybe?" I reflected with an empathy guess. 

Rylan nodded and leaned towards me slightly. Taking in his nonverbal cues, I drew in a deep breath to ground myself, then asked, "Do you remember the tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique) we did together when you were six...

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Soothing Night Terrors

May 18, 2022

How do you foster relationship within yourself and with others? What is your first thought upon waking or before falling asleep at the end of the day? Do you greet yourself with kindness upon waking, taking the time to imagine your upcoming day with curiosity? At the end of the day, do you take time to reflect and celebrate the moments that went well and to mourn and repair those moments that were difficult? How do you greet your loved ones "Good morning" and say "Good night" before they go to bed?   

I have been intentional to take time every morning and night to reflect and ponder these questions surrounding relationships and discovered with some delight and fascination how this practice unfolded in my relationship with my youngest son.   

I remember waking up as a child hearing my Dad downstairs singing, "Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day..." and as I came down the stairs he would greet me with a cheerful smile, "Good morning,...

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When Stress Is Insidious

May 11, 2022

Stress is insidious. As aware as our culture may seem to be about stress interrupting our ability to enjoy life, I wonder how many people truly understand the importance of attuning to the emotional subtleties of stress in order for it to dissipate.   

My husband and I noticed that when our son, Rylan, started kindergarten at age five, he would cling to me when separating. When I returned, he initially greeted me with desperate relief until we were on our way home. Then in the car he expressed loud, angry outbursts of energy, and I needed to pull over to the side of the road to gently hold and soothe him repeatedly. I remember feeling shock, shame, and confusion in my own body, mystified by the perplexing rages my son experienced when transitioning.    

Over time I learned that when we perceive danger in our environment, the way a child does when separating from a parent, the lack of safety amps up a gradual stress response that affects the whole body....

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When the Slightest Disappointments Create Acute Distress

May 04, 2022

Birthday celebrations. What images come to mind reading those words just now? Do you remember looking forward to celebrating your special day as a child, or are there clouded memories of disappointment? For years our son, Rylan, began anticipating his birthday celebration right after the Christmas holidays. Typically when that magical day arrived, his nervous system was wound so tight with expectations, the slightest disappointment would trigger the aroused sympathetic branch of his system into acute distress.   

As distress levels build up in children, a hormonal chain reaction is set in motion and their bodies are primed for action. High levels of stress hormones wash over the brain and body, and there is a withdrawal of the chemicals that promote feelings of well-being, the pain circuits in the brain are activated, just as they would be if the child were hurt physically.   

I remember previous years when upon hearing that his friend could not come to...

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Feeling Nervous Being Watched Closely

Apr 20, 2022

What kind of relationship do you currently have with your child? When you think about your relationship, what happens in your body? Do you experience an opening within or a sense of contraction?  

I remember when one of my daughters and I spent a whole day together caring for my three youngest grandchildren. We got to take them on an outing for one of their friend's birthday parties. During lunch the children asked me for more Cheetos. When I gave one to them, I noticed a furrow between my daughter's eyes as she watched me.   

My internal alarm system rang a muted danger signal, and I noticed my heart rate increased, my chests tightened, and tension began to form at the base of my neck. With intention, I slowed down my inner experience, welcomed the sensations. I breathed into them as I acknowledged to myself that when I am being watched closely I feel nervous, uncertain and worried - so very much wanting relaxation, to have fun, closeness and a shared joy,...

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Understanding a Two-Year-Old’s Conversation

Apr 13, 2022

Do you have dreams for your children? What nature of character would you like to see them acquire? Children learn what's important to us and what we value by living with us and observing the outward expressions of our character. They remember, imitate, and recreate these ways of being in the world. When I intentionally take time to learn ways of being that are rooted in compassionate self-understanding I am also taking an important step in an unfolding process that supports my children to know themselves.   

I remember experiencing the beauty of this with one of my grandsons when he was two-years-old. My three grandchildren were visiting, Rylan and I had a fun and busy morning with them. We put together puzzles, read and told stories, shared pretend play in the play-room, and observed Uncle Rylan's frog, Mr. Ed. 

When I noticed lunchtime was drawing near, I brought out the color books and crayons and asked, "Would anyone like to color while Grammy works in the...

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Waking to Racing Thoughts

Mar 30, 2022

Have you ever woken up early in the morning with a million thoughts racing through your head? And each thought is telling you what you should be doing, or better yet, telling you what you should already have done? Well, I remember when that was my experience one morning! 

I was telling myself, "You need to get up now, before Rylan wakes up, so you can write your newsletter?" "Hurry, before you run out of time!" "You were supposed to already have published your newsletter, hurry up!" "And don't forget to update your website." "Remember to create those new seminars while you are at it." "You really need to spend time connecting with the horses at least three times a week." "You ought to spend more time with your friend before she leaves." "Don't forget to plant seeds in the green house today." As the thoughts sped up I had the sensation that a balloon was about to burst within my chest. 

I recognized my familiar thought-life and paused deliberately. I took a deep cleansing...

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Overwhelmed Being the Parent

Jan 19, 2022

Do you ever feel overwhelmed "being the parent" and would it be so sweet for someone to understand, on a cellular level, exactly what your on-going experience is? Does your window of tolerance shrink? Does it get stretched so far you feel you will either burst in frustration or faint from despair? That's where I repeatedly found myself in relationship with my son when his nervous system would get so heightened, and the energy got really big. My nervous system would alert me that my cup was near empty and I was in dire need of some empathy!

While being heard and seen by others with care and resonant empathy was so immensely calming, sometimes we must find ways to give ourselves some compassion when we are all alone.

One time I recognized, in the heat of the moment, a part of me believed the pain of disconnection would last forever. Nothing would ever change, no one would ever want to hang out with us, we were too much, we were too different, it was just too hard for others to be...

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