Do You Feel All Alone Or That You Don't Matter?

Today I made a request of myself, that I make this video in order to turn something around from deep inside of my heart. 

It was a rainy, dismal day, and I noticed that every time it is a rainy, dismal day, it would affect my perception of life. I would feel really drained and blah, lethargic, depleted and listless. Then I would start noticing when things were out of order, messy, or cluttered. Next, I noticed how messy my closet was and I felt like there was just so much to do! 

Then, when I was working on making a recording, the processing was taking hours to complete. Everything was like this sticky, push-pull, really uncomfortable experience that I was not enjoying. 

The predominate feelings that I took the time to unpack were; lethargic, under-whelm, lonely, weary, detached, withdrawn, and gloomy. It was like the weather was being a metaphor, a reflection of my inner implicit sea, of me. 

The shadow beliefs that were running me was a very familiar one, where I run into this sense of lack, of not being enough, or unworthy in some area or inadequate. I also had some faux feelings showed up, feeling neglected and pressured. 

Taking the time to slow down and drop into my heart to begin that time-travel process to what is this implicit experience that’s ready to be healed. It took a bit of time, yet what actually supported my process was my messy closet! 

I remembered being a teenager and being in my room. It felt like my room was kind of dark, and it was a mess, and I felt all of those feelings. I felt alone. The aloneness was so alone feeling, it was that I just did not matter. The statements running in me were, “I’m not enough. I’m not valued. I don’t understand. I’m alone. I’m worthless, and I don’t matter.” There was a lot of confusion in my younger self. How could life even be that lonely or that confusing? 

What I recognized I was needing was empowerment. I was needing a sense of inspiration and self-connection and self-love. To tap into the abundance of life and to experience being worthy. To be of value. What happened was I was able to unpack an unconscious contract that I wasn’t aware I was having. It would go something like this. 

“I, Gloria Mae Craig, solemnly swear to my Essential Self, that I will not stand out, that I will not draw attention. I will keep to myself and be crumpled and small, in order to live life, in order to be able to exist. No matter the cost to myself or those I love.” 

Well I wasn’t aware that I was holding that inside at that young age. It was my felt experience and it’s why I had such a fog of confusion that was behind my eyes. 

So, taking the time to drop into my heart and into my Essential Self, my Compassionate Observer, and to recognize that vow that was made. To turn to my younger self and to tell her, “Oh, Gloria, I heard that vow you made, and I understand why you made it in the moment, and it is not serving your life. So, I revoke that vow, and I release you from this contract. Instead, I give you my blessing. I give you my blessing to be the light that you were created to be. To live your life fully and expansively with an open-heart, and you, my child, get to re-write time. To allow healing to be embodied at a cellular level. For your heart to be filled with courage and compassion for all of life. Everywhere. To feel the accompaniment of Spirit that abides deep within your heart, forever, as your constant companion. I bless you to be a being who reveres life each moment, and to live your life large! And so it is. 

Allowing myself to experience this right here and now, openly, publicly, to claim this as my birthright. I can see the light come into that dark room and reveal to me that I am whole and complete. I am healed. I am back. I am a spiritual being. I am love embodied. 

Going back to re-write that time, I can see my younger self. She goes and opens the window to let light shine in! Her cat climbs in to love on her. She turns on some music and enjoys putting things in order in her room. She acknowledges how much she enjoys solitude. She reveres it. She feels at peace within and inspired to go about her day being moved in the moment with that connection in her heart. To take the time to respond to whatever comes up in life with consideration and compassionate understanding.

Then I go back to the other day when it was rainy and cold and foggy, and I felt so gloomy. I recognize those same needs were running in me. That’s what was awakening within me, this link from those implicit experiences in my past that had not been caught or held or accompanied. I recognize that the quantum field of energy that would really support me to stay present to my experience is to remember that I am blessed. To live with an open heart and to be heart-connected. 

So, turning back time a little bit, to the other day. I look outside at the foggy, rainy day, and I open the window to breathe in the fresh air, and my heart fills with gratitude for the new day. I connect more deeply in my heart-space with wonder and ease, seeking the inspiration and guidance for my new day and for that to fill me completely mind-body-and-spirit. 

Then I received my new “I Am” I am enough. I have purpose. I am valued. I do have understanding. I take the time to breathe in my inspiration, and guidance from Spirit, with each breath that I take, in order to have the insight and wisdom to really be present for my purpose for being here. To be able to share my truth. To re-write time, and to allow myself to show up, to stand out. I can even draw attention and it will be all right! 

And, guess what, my messy room I’ve been going through and organizing and making piles that I can give away to others and only keep what I need. So, what a blessing that is.

So where in your life, is there a place that gets cluttered or feels foggy or gloomy to you? How might you begin to slow down and breathe into your heart, to allow yourself to receive the inspiration and the guidance you need from Spirit? There is no time like the present to live in the now.