Do You Imply Wrongness or Shame & Blame Yourself or Others?
Mar 05, 2021
I was thinking about what was the lesson that life has taught me today. The lesson I’ve learned is the importance to have relationships that are built on solid, consistent, and clear communication. That is really important, because, ruptures are inevitable in all relationships.
I used to think a rupture was like the end of the world when I was young. And, it felt like the end of the world, because I would feel so sad to have this big rupture between me and this other person I cared about. What I’m so grateful to have learned is that when you build consistently clear communication in your relationships with others, then you can stay engaged in the conversation, especially when there are ruptures.
Just because there is a misunderstanding, or a different point of view, we don’t need to make one another wrong. And, we don’t need to make ourselves wrong either. When we can recognize that there is a difference between us, we can invite curiosity into our relationship. We first need to notice though.
We need to notice what I call a “shift left”. When I shift left, I move more into my left hemisphere and I’m not as relational. When I can notice that I can slow down inside of my own experience, inviting myself to come back into relationship with myself.
That’s the first step in making repairs and coming back into relationship with others; making sure you are heart-connected first. This is very similar to when you ride in an airplane and you hear the whole safety talk about putting your own oxygen mask on yourself first so you can be available to help others.
The same is true with having ruptures; we can have ruptures with ourselves and we can have ruptures with others, but regardless, we need to make repairs within ourselves to have self-connection first, to have self-compassion. This allows us to have an open heart to others’ experiences.
I like the analogy of trees, because I love trees, and this analogy has supported me in my life as I was on my path; learning how to self-connect and learning how to receive my own answers from within. The trees are in many sacred texts; one is the tree of scarcity or judgement, which is the tree that many of us live in and are conditioned by in our world. When we are in this tree, we live pretty disconnected from Life and can get caught up in our mind with what we are telling ourselves all the time. We can be judging things, we can be demanding things of ourselves or others, we can be denying responsibility or think we deserve better or more than we have. There is a lot of analyzing that goes on, which is not really being in relationship.
When we can notice that we are wanting to imply wrongness and shame or blame ourselves or others, we can come back into our heart, I like to go down into the roots of the tree and get connected with Life energy. Have you ever seen a trees root system? They are all interconnected under the ground. When we connect into the Life energy, we begin to come back to life by connecting with how we feel in our system.
We can notice, “what was it that triggered me? Right before that, what happened?” To catch; what was the shock or surprise, the hurt or disappointment? What’s the pain? We need to notice what that is like in our body. Because, when we can notice what that is like in our body, we begin our journey home from there, going into our feelings by noticing what it feels like and linking that to the need underneath it.
So, there’s these connections, these tendrils, in our roots. When we get rooted in these connections it gives us a strong foundation that we can rely on. What that looks like for me is learning how to listen to my heart and how to have a practice where I get to listen to others as well so I can practice staying in the conversation. When I take time to make an observation about what has happened and ask the other person, “When this rupture happened between us, I’m wanting to check in and see how that is for you. Is there anything you’d like me to hear?” And then listen with my heart to reflect back what I’m hearing them say.
Those are skill sets we can practice, and then, in real time when we experience these ruptures happening, we’ve practiced something that is going to help us stay heart connected. This allows us to stay interested and curious, with compassion. After you’ve heard the other person fully, then if it feels true to you, you can say, “I’m wondering if you are open to hearing how it is for me?” You can share your own experience and ask them to reflect back what they are hearing you say. You get to know one another in a deeper and more intimate way, from heart connection.
So, the practice, in its basics, is noticing when you feel hurt, rejected, or dismissed. Noting that down, and then feel into it. Notice the sensations and follow those through to the emotions. What is the flavor of emotion in that experience? Link that to the longing in your heart, what is it that you most desire, then savor that for a while. Notice what it’s like in your Being, right there. Then, checking in with the other person as well, it’s the same process, very somatic and body centered, with empathy.