Feeling Heavy and Despondent

I’ve been on a vacation, but it didn’t show up on my videos because I worked really hard and planned way in advance so I could have time with my daughter and my new grandbaby. It was a lovely time getting to be there with them.  

The thing is, when I was gone, I accidently knocked my hard drive off of the table it was on and it damaged it. I had to send it in to a place to see if they can retrieve the files. Once I got home, I needed to step back into the flow of my work. I found I had this huge heaviness; everything felt too hard, it was just too much. There was a sense of exhaustion and feeling bummed out and rather despondent. I was like, “What’s up with that?” 

So, what I did was take a little time to do a process with myself. It took me a while, first I got on the phone and called an old friend and then I didn’t really want to talk. I knew there was something up for me and decided to use my own tools and see what might be uncovered there. 

Underneath the despondency, heaviness & exhaustion, there was a sense of lack, of not being enough. There was a fear and anxiety around what might happen, and I felt really powerless. 

Slowing down and coming into my heart space just to be with that felt-sense, I discovered, as I time-traveled back, that my younger self in elementary school was sitting there with the thought, “I just don’t know how to do it.” Followed quickly by a message of “I’m not important.” 

Recognizing the needs underneath that for the little girl, there was a need to have a sense of abundance in her life and a sense of empowerment as well. Next, I took a little time to tune into the contract that my younger self had made.  

It was, “I, Gloria Mae, solemnly swear to you, my Essential Self, that I will always compare myself to others and always find myself lacking, in order to make sense. No matter the cost to myself or those I love.” 

It just didn’t make sense, and in order to make sense my younger self decided I was the problem. I stayed with that noticing how it felt in my body. There was a heaviness in my face and my heart, and tears behind my eyes.  

I heard that contract and I don’t like it for my younger self, so I revoke the vow and release the contract and I gave my younger self a blessing. I gave her a blessing of courage & strength, of a deep resiliency in her heart of compassion. I blessed her with so much trust in Spirit and faith to believe in possibilities and for her to always have a deep-felt sense of accompaniment wherever she goes, right here, right now. Also, for there to be a gentleness to hold herself in and a freedom to honestly express her truth. 

Then, I asked her if she’d like to time-travel home with me. This time what she wanted to get to do was to fly in the air, it was like a warm summer’s day. Where I could see she was, was at the family farm, there was a special tree she loved and we flew way up high in the air across time and space, back into a warm, soft embrace that welcomes me just as I am.  

Another part of this journey is to go back to the younger self that’s in the school room and to invoke within her a new experience. So, this experience is one where in elementary school I speak up and ask for help to understand how to do something new. I am empowered to explore new possibilities with confidence and enthusiasm! I like that. Learning is fun and energizing.  

My new message is “I am empowered by new possibilities.” 

So then, time-traveling forward, I can see myself looking forward to school and making new friends that really resonate with me. I am courageous and enjoy trying new things. I am creative and empowered by Life itself.  

The connections that really support me are to be heart-centered and Spirit-led. So, you know, I sat down and went back in time to myself this morning. I get to redo that too.  

Sitting down to market my course, I reach out to Catherine, who is a really great support person, and I ask her to collaborate with me on a launch and for it to be heart-centered and Spirit-led. I asked myself to be willing to step in with some action steps to follow through with faith and belief in new possibilities. 

What’s so amazing to me is how this experience transforms the energy within me. From that despondent, lack, contraction and diminished self to really being infused with Life energy. I’m so grateful.  


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