Feeling Nervous Being Watched Closely

What kind of relationship do you currently have with your child? When you think about your relationship, what happens in your body? Do you experience an opening within or a sense of contraction?  

I remember when one of my daughters and I spent a whole day together caring for my three youngest grandchildren. We got to take them on an outing for one of their friend's birthday parties. During lunch the children asked me for more Cheetos. When I gave one to them, I noticed a furrow between my daughter's eyes as she watched me.   

My internal alarm system rang a muted danger signal, and I noticed my heart rate increased, my chests tightened, and tension began to form at the base of my neck. With intention, I slowed down my inner experience, welcomed the sensations. I breathed into them as I acknowledged to myself that when I am being watched closely I feel nervous, uncertain and worried - so very much wanting relaxation, to have fun, closeness and a shared joy, especially in relationship with this daughter of mine I rarely saw. 

I remember breathing into my heart's desire, I felt a small lump in my throat as I named how much I have missed a sense of closeness with her since she moved away. My shoulders relaxed their held tension as I released just the sense of "wanting," and I came back to the solid ground of my held intention to have a relationship with all of my children, that is one of unconditional love and presence. At that moment I felt a budding curiosity about my daughter's experience and wondered if she was holding some concern for the children's well-being close to her heart.   

We all experience struggles with being able to move into a space of welcoming relationships with the children we love, especially when we find ourselves in a sea of uncertainty. 

This welcoming exercise enabled me to smile each time I would catch her eyes, to smile with all the warmth and love my heart could offer, while remaining engaged with a sense of curiosity and wonder as we spent time together. Her brow slowly relaxed, her eyes became quizzical, and then lo and behold, she smiled back.   

As I continue this journey of learning to consistently welcome my own experience, I find my relationships with others deepening exponentially.





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