I Can’t Breathe!

After walking up the stairs early one morning, I heard my lungs begin to wheeze, and as a rattling stirred deep in my chest, my mind screamed, "I'm not getting enough air - I can't breathe!" instantaneously my whole body tightened into resistance with such an intensity that blind panic coursed through me. 

My eyes desperately scanned my outer environment for some means of help, and in that moment, I recognized this inner-state of being on a cellular level; learned helplessness. As I stopped, frozen in the ever-present-past, another layer of implicit belief emerged; “even if there was someone there - they couldn't help me - it'd make it worse.” 

When that was not instantly made wrong by my inner critic, I felt a slight inner-shift as a tender aspect of my inner self emerged, which seemed very vulnerable and all alone. So completely and utterly alone there was no one else to reach out to, no one to see me, to hear me, or to help me. 

I resisted the inner impulse to flee (where would I go) and slowed my inner experience by leaning forward, elbows on knees, and gently held my forehead in my hands. I consciously focused on self-connection. 

I remember I felt my lungs swell, and my airway began to contract, the terrifying panic once again rose up within. An image of my horse, Shadow, flashed briefly in my mind's eye, of when he had reared and torn my shoulder from its socket and the associated terror of panic that had reached for me.

I then remembered how there had come a time when I chose to live the inner practice I had been learning to do. To willingly and mindfully let go of everything at the very moment it rises; notice it is coming, it peaks, and then it leaves. So with every sensation, every emotion, every thought, every yearning or need, to willingly let go of my inner attachment to it at its peak as a continuous, nonstop process, allowing each layer to emerge naturally.   

Empowered by the memory of that vibrant experience, I closed my eyes, looked up above my inner horizon, and sensed the Light. I felt this Light and Love come right in, and consciously breathed the healing energy deep into my body. I allowed the Light's warmth to shine right into my head,  to flow into my 3rd eye, into my ears, my throat, my chest, to flow down my arms, my torso, my stomach, my hips. I allowed this Light and Love to flow into my thighs, knees, and feet, I heard my Essential Self say, "I am open to receiving Pure Source Energy and Love." 

Then I sensed the Light flow from my feet into the center of the planet where - as above and so below - there's another space that provides Pure Source Energy. It felt warm and welcoming, like "Oh, I'm so glad you are here!" Yeah! So I let that Loving Light bounce back, like a mini-trampoline, up through my feet, my calves, my thighs, my hips, my stomach, my torso, and into my heart radiating out 360 degrees all the way around me so I was in a big bubble of Love and Light from above and below. (This whole inner experience happened in less than 1/10,000's of a second.)   

I chose with faith to let go of frantically attempting to control my experience by searching for help outside myself, and instead mindfully looked within my sense of Self to become aware of my Essential Self, which is always here, always now. 

What I learned was it's not so much about verbally describing my experience, as it is simply being willing to feel the sensations in the moment. As I continued to lean my forehead (3rd eye, prefrontal cortex) to rest in my hands, inside I experienced my forehead sinking into the chest of God and being held - tears of relief and recognition began to flow - I am being held all the time, I had just been blocked myself from seeing it and feeling it.  

I had unknowingly bought myself a label, which had been sold to me by well-meaning health care authorities, "I have asthma." I had unwittingly identified myself with the whole "asthma" program. 

I was experientially beginning to understand that the whole "program" was an abstract fear-based concept held in the mind, which had limited my capacity to live life fully as the miraculous being I am. 

I cannot feel "asthma." It is not possible, for example, to experience the thought, "I'm not getting enough air - I can't breathe!" Those are just fearful thoughts of the mind which can block me from my Essential Self. 

What was helpful was to observe with compassionate love what was actually felt, the sensations themselves; a tension or constriction in the throat or chest, a wheezing, coughing, or swelling of the lung tissue. 

Rather than putting labels on everything, including the feelings themselves, I simply focused my attention on being connected with my Essential Self. I observed my inner on-going experience of feeling my sensations in the moment, whatever they may be, and I noticed as my body relinquished the energy of fear behind them the sensations would dissipate, or float past like clouds in the sky. Even dark storm clouds dissipate, or pass in the sky.   

As I continuously practiced letting go of desperately trying to win a battle with "asthma" and surrendered wanting to control my experience, to change my experience, or to have it my way, there was something about receiving the gift of Healing Love, of feeling that Light warm the very cells of my being, which restored my inner peace and strengthened my increasing faith in Life itself.