The other day I was asked to write about what it would be like to be in a session with me for a summit coming up. The idea of participating in the summit delighted me, yet when I heard the request for me to write 100 words of less to draw people in, I drew a blank. It’s hard to describe what this is like.
What I did was reach out for some support to unpack that a little bit. When I went blank inside, it was like a big pause button had been pushed inside of me, and I recognized an opportunity for some deepening of my understanding of self.
As I was held in a sacred circle of support, I stepped back through time, which is a powerful process to welcome my inner experience more fully. What arose for me was my fourteen-year-old self. This part of me had made a vow never to write something that could be read publicly especially.
As I went back in time to be with this part and receive more clarity around it, what happened was my fourteen-year-old-self used to journal about things that had happened in her life that were private. One day the journal was gone.
So, there was a fear of being exposed, a fear of having my privacy violated, and really deep shame came up. Because, this younger self had an experience of being tormented and demeaned. It felt as if people loathed her or were disgusted with her.
Bringing in some warmth, sitting with this part, my throat got really tight. My chest felt as if it were burning. This younger self had a loss of identity, when she honestly expressed herself in a written form, that was what caused her loss of identity, and her dignity was stripped away.
So, bringing in the imagery of being in a field with the healing herd; with constellation work we are recognizing that we are in a field of life energy at all times. In this process I could feel the horse ancestors come swirling in. They first moved in a counterclockwise pattern, swirling around me. I could feel the wind, I could feel in the air this divine light that came in through the shadows. It was like a dance with the herd of horse ancestors.
It sucked up all of the torment and all of the violation and shame, the loathing and disgust, all of that energy that felt so heavy and diminishing. Just swoosh! Then they turned and you could hear the thundering of their hooves which brought in this divine arc of energy. It was miraculous. It was softening, I could feel the tingles on my skin. It was as if there was a gentle mist of healing living water of life, mixed in with the divine light. This brought a deep soothing and restoration deep inside of my throat, my heart, and my belly. There was a peace.
Then, out of the herd, a beautiful, majestic, black horse came over and bowed, inviting my younger self to jump onto his back. He took off flying, bringing her back here to the healing herd here, to be with me.
For there to be nurturance, a place where she can begin to trust her own inner compass. Not only can she trust her own inner compass, she can trust the inner compass of others that connect and resonate with her. That is such a beautiful gift to receive going forward in life.
I want to acknowledge that unless we are willing to go on these journeys of healing, there are so many things we won’t know that we don’t know. So, there is a mystery and a magic that comes with this way of processing of life energy. It is a divine gift to receive.