Unpacking Anger and Sadness

This morning when I woke up, I was in a bit of a downward spiral that began last night. The last couple of months have been pretty full for me. I’ve been passionate about creating lots of online resources for free so that people have access to them. I’ve been collaborating with colleagues, reaching out to have partnership with others to provide services, and establishing myself on lots of different platforms and learning TONS. There have been a lot of new learning edges for me.

At the same time, I’m doing my best to maintain my own life’s rhythm. With myself, my husband, my children, grandchildren, my friends, my herd, it’s quite a full life!

Getting to the point where I launched my course it felt wonderful! As I pause and assess where I’m at and where I’m going, I began the process of mapping that out in order to communicate clearly, effectively, and honestly with others that I’m in relationship with. I want to have mutual understanding and empowerment moving forward.

Last night I was ready to send an email my internet went out, and my reaction to that was more than a little over the top! I felt white-hot anger in my temples, and it was as if daggers could be thrown from my eyes. I was so angry that my communication was being thwarted. That what I had been focusing on and pouring my heart into was now stopped! There was something in the experience of being stopped, where I felt helpless and powerless and it lit me up, and I wrestled with this through the night.

When I woke up this morning I was in this place where it felt as if life was too much. As I slowed down my inner experience to come into my heart, I remembered something I could do. I could journal about it and take the time to go through a process and step into the field with support from Spirit.

I was inspired to get up and do a little unpacking of my experience. To recognize that moment in time where all of a sudden, I had this trigger, and the trigger was so intense that I knew it was about something else. It seemed like it was because the internet went down, but I had an idea there was something that was ready to emerge.

As I took time to journal about it, I recognized the predominate feelings I was experiencing were anger, frustration and overwhelm with white-hot temples. There was a layer underneath that was a very heart-felt sadness, an exhaustion and helplessness. Based on those emotions what was being triggered were shadow-beliefs of the sense of not being enough, having anxiety around an outcome and also a real sense of powerlessness.

So, taking time to sit on the couch with my journal and a cup of tea, after I’d moved through that much, I literally sat with my hand on my heart to be open to what the life experience was that’s ready to emerge for healing. I noticed so many different waves of emotion, there were tears of sadness, there was trembling, and two different memories popped up which I found very curious as well.

There was a memory of being very young in school with new learning and the though that came up was, “It’s too fast, it’s too much, it’s too fast. I can’t keep up.” The next memory was being with one of my sisters outside when I was about the same age. My sister was angry about something and I got angry back, and then our dad saw me, but not her, and I got in trouble. I was told who I was, by my dad, and I knew it was not who I was being in the moment.

So, my experience was being seen and getting in trouble, yet not being fully seen, and the belief I developed in the moment was, “I am stupid, I am not smart enough, I can’t keep up, no one hears me, I am slow, and I am wrong.” That’s quite a few beliefs that came up out of those two experiences.

The needs that were not met for me at that time as a young child was to know that I am enough as I am, to be empowered to live from that sense of abundance from my heart. To feel safe and secure and also to be empowered to be heard, to have a voice, for my truth to be known. As I sat with this, I moved to a place of gratitude that the pattern was allowing this to emerge for healing.

So, again, coming back into my heart and allowing myself to really feel fully that moment in my youth of this innocence and authenticity coming and being engaged. Anger is a higher frequency, as a child I was usually stuck in a lower frequency of shame or immobilization. So, to have a voice and be speaking up and then to be caught in that moment and being seen as being bad or wrong, it totally shut my voice off.

I recognize that my honest expression wasn’t caught by my dad, he hadn’t seen the full picture, there wasn’t clear understanding. He only saw the surface of the experience, rather than the heart of it. My experience was I felt seen and known as someone who I was not. What I learned was I had no voice to speak up to clarify my truth. As I sat with that it felt like my heart was burning, and it was difficult to identify the sensations in my throat. It wasn’t tight or restricted but there was definitely a pain that moved around and then it felt like it opened. It was an a-ha moment of, “This makes sense!” No wonder the learning was difficult for me as a child, because I didn’t have a voice. I held a belief that no one could hear me anyway, so I wouldn’t speak up or ask for help. With that realization I had more quivers in my belly.

Next, I allowed myself to time-travel with empathy imagining what it could be like now; to have a compassionate presence there with me, one there with my sister and one there especially with my dad. I wrote a little story about it.

My sister is upset, she lashes out at me and I cry out, “That hurts!” Dad sees us and steps in gently to reach out to both of us. Drawing us in close he whispers, “Here now, girls, daddy’s here now, tell me what’s troubling you, it’s all right.” We take turns sharing our pain and receive his soothing love. Hugging and laughing we skip out to play together as he watches us, with eyes of love.

It was amazing to write that and to see that, it was very healing for my heart. It was healing for my sister, for my dad, for me. It was the healing of love, and my new message is, “I am loved, and there is enough love for everyone, and I am enough as I am.”

The power of that time-travel is then from that place as that little girl, six or seven years old, I can see her as she goes to school. I fearlessly speak up and ask questions to understand life lessons and I ask for support when I need it. I am accomplished and I am eager to learn more, the more I learn. I love helping others learn, and I model that all things are possible when one is grounded in love. I know I am loved, wherever I am, and there is more than enough love for everyone. I am satisfied, and I am enough as I am.

There was a peace that defies understanding that permeated every cell of my being. Then I took the time to go back to my triggering moment, remember when the internet went out? Again, those same needs were not met in that moment; it was a sense of lack, I was needing abundance. I felt uncertain around the outcome of what would happen and disempowered. I really needed empowerment and safety and security, to trust in abundance. Taking time to step into the quantum field of energy, what is the quality of energy there, that would have supported me to stay present, rather than being compromised. To have been able to respond in alignment with my sacred values, what quality would that have been?

After reflecting on that it was the need for me to stand in the field of true understanding and resourcefulness. So, I time-traveled back to just last night when the internet went out and imagined how it would be now, and I re-wrote my life story.

After taking the time to thoughtfully clarify the tasks and services needed as I move forward, I write an email being empowered with understanding and resourcefulness by being connected deeply with Spirit. When the internet cuts off, I turn to making dinner with ease, fully trusting the timing of all of life as it unfolds.

What a different experience that is! Next, I want to ground this experience with authentic action and part of that was from this morning when I remembered that I could journal about this. Taking time to journal about this makes the internal repair really strong, deep in the fibers of my being, and then to make this video on this life lesson that I’m learning. Also, to take time to complete mapping out my day-to-day tasks I need to attend to, week-to-week and month-to-month. Even taking the time to look forward into the next year to tune into, from my heart, what I’m about. From the sense that there is more than enough time, energy and resources for all of us.

My life lesson is again, how important it is to begin with self-connection in my heart, in order to be empowered to reach out to others to offer support to them as well. And, when I need support, to be willing to reach out and ask for it and allow my voice to be heard, because it really does matter.

So where are you being called to have a voice today, for yourself? Are you taking the time you need to be really self-connected in your heart and grounded in your spirit? I encourage you to take the time, each day, because you are really important.