How do you talk to yourself? Do you notice how you talk to yourself? How about especially when you’ve made a mistake? What does it sound like, that voice inside of your head?
Do you even like yourself? I’m wondering, are you self-critical? Or are you ever NOT self-critical? Do you constantly compare yourself to others? Or did your parents compare you to others? Did they constantly compare people?
Our default mode network (DMN) is the part of us that is the voice in our heads. We all have one. When we’ve had experiences of trauma, then that trauma takes over our default mode network. It reruns all the memories. It really wants us to heal. It can get stuck though.
When we are little, if we don’t make sense to our moms, then as a baby our system has to run on cortisol in order to survive. This can burn us out. When a baby is born its amygdala (emotional alarm system) is hard wired to create a state of alarm in order to get a response for care.
So, if we had a responsive mom, or caregiver, they would easily reflect the micro-expressions of whatever emotions we were feeling as a baby. We would experience that we make sense by having a responsive caregiver. We would grow “I make sense neurons” then and we develop more of a sense of secure attachment.
When we don’t make sense to our moms or our caregivers and we have this alarm state going off and its not met with care, then we end up not knowing how to care for ourselves either.
I want to acknowledge that its never too late to meet someone that can respond with sensitivity and with care so we can grow those pathways that we need to learn how to care for ourselves.
When we’ve had unresolved trauma it’s possible to be held with acknowledgement that there is unresolvable trauma. What happens then is it allows there to be more movement of life energy within us, and it turns off that default mode network.
So, when we can be held by another that is responsive and provides care for our CARE circuitry, then we can be empowered to name our experience. And, when we can name our experience it transforms the trauma from our nervous system and brings it into our explicit consciousness. We then have a deeper understanding of ourselves.
Part of that process is when you name the experience, that there is a container, another being that is able to resonate with warmth and understanding to name the needs that your younger self didn’t have held. It’s really important work.
I am really passionate about this and I’m so grateful for the resonate care that I’ve been held with to support myself and my nervous system to create an Essential Self that doesn’t judge me when I fall into one of my old patterns. But gently, and with care, welcomes me back to life once more.