Some days make you wonder about the path you are on. There can be days where for absolute weeks, months, and years, decades even! You have been on a path that you have felt called to be on, and then, all of a sudden, a door closes. It’s bewildering, it can be devastating even. It can feel earth shattering and you cry out “Why, what’s happening here!?”
I’m recognizing today that those moments in my life, when I’ve taken the time to slow down and actually come into presence, in my heart, body and soul, there’s a message for me.
It’s not “Do not pass Go.” It’s not “Stop.” Or “You’re bad and wrong and what your doing is not worth anything.” It’s not “You’re never going to succeed. You’re never going to be good enough.”
Though all those seemed like they might be the answer, there was just something wrong with me. There was something wrong with my vision or the way that I said things or showed up. The way that I stepped into my own Being-ness.
Then, today I had an epiphany, and my intuition has been talking to me about this possibility for over a month now. I recognize on my life’s path there have been many other times that this has happened, only it was in a different form.
But it still was a re-directing. It was like a pivot to bring my soul back into alignment with where I’m actually intended to be. What I’m really prepared for, what my hearts intention has said I’m here for, and yet, there is a part of me that was still feeling really pretty small, insecure, worried, and a lot of other words I could put on that way of being. I was just staying really small in my shadow.
Lacking confidence, and actually lacking self-connection with my own heart and soul. This is something that can happen when we’ve had trauma in our life. It can be small t or big T trauma. All of have these pockets and bubbles of trauma in our life experience. Until we actually step into a resonate field that stimulates the felt-sense of the ever-present-past, it just operates from the background.
What I’m discovering is it’s possible, in real-time, in the present moment, to come right into the fullness of whatever my experience is and stay with it. To be with it and acknowledge what it’s like to be me. Which grows this (my dear friend, Sarah Peyton, calls it ‘rings of affection’) which you can bring into my heart and to my soul, to accompany me right here, right now.
To me, that’s bringing in that gold, divine light, that is Creation. This allows me to step into the fullness of who I was created to be to co-create, right now!
About a month ago, to bring in the storyboard, I dropped my external hard drive. It had all of my life’s work on it. I went through this whole journey of sending it off to a special place where they go into a clean room and they see if there is anything they can salvage. If there was something to salvage it would cost me thousands of dollars to retrieve it. Just a little while ago I got the call that it’s irretrievable.
Well, I tittered on this brink of, “Oh my goodness, are you serious, nothing?!” I could remember videos, presentations, and pictures, lots of things very precious to my heart. It was like, “Nooooo!”
Yet, in the moment that I heard this; it was like a puzzle piece fitting into place. It reminds me that this life isn’t about all of the tangible things. Yes, of course there are just so many incredible memories and experiences that those tangible things represented, and yet, I carry them in my heart. I carry them in my soul.
I’m reminded that I have this capacity developed within me, to stay present, with whatever may emerge. I intend to continue this path, to trust the process and whatever I’m needing will emerge in order to continue to go forward. Creativity is now accessible to me in a whole new way.
Now, I’m noticing, just keeping it real here, my throat contracted. I’m going to have a little drink of tea. So, I’m wondering if my throat needs acknowledgement that it’s very transparent and vulnerable to name this like I am. So, there’s a softening and a soothing, bringing in those rings of affection.
Bringing in even the imagery of those who hold my heart and my experience with so much love and care. To know, and acknowledge, that I’m not alone on this journey, and to trust my own capacity to expand. To stay present and curious and interested. I’m having a little tear there. That when I’m willing to this heart-centered and this open to what may emerge, then I’m going to be astonished. I’m looking forward to experiencing what that’s like.
This way of choosing to be with myself, in this life, with life, it’s really a radically different way of being. Specially to bring in the warmth, the care and the affection to these parts that feel so tight. Especially grief, because grief has been one that would totally shut me down.