Stress is insidious. As aware as our culture may seem to be about stress interrupting our ability to enjoy life, I wonder how many people truly understand the importance of attuning to the emotional subtleties of stress in order for it to dissipate.   

My husband and I noticed that when our son, Rylan, started kindergarten at age five, he would cling to me when separating. When I returned, he initially greeted me with desperate relief until we were on our way home. Then in the car he expressed loud, angry outbursts of energy, and I needed to pull over to the side of the road to gently hold and soothe him repeatedly. I remember feeling shock, shame, and confusion in my own body, mystified by the perplexing rages my son experienced when transitioning.    

Over time I learned that when we perceive danger in our environment, the way a child does when separating from a parent, the lack of safety amps up a gradual stress response that affects the whole body....

Birthday celebrations. What images come to mind reading those words just now? Do you remember looking forward to celebrating your special day as a child, or are there clouded memories of disappointment? For years our son, Rylan, began anticipating his birthday celebration right after the Christmas holidays. Typically when that magical day arrived, his nervous system was wound so tight with expectations, the slightest disappointment would trigger the aroused sympathetic branch of his system into acute distress.   

As distress levels build up in children, a hormonal chain reaction is set in motion and their bodies are primed for action. High levels of stress hormones wash over the brain and body, and there is a withdrawal of the chemicals that promote feelings of well-being, the pain circuits in the brain are activated, just as they would be if the child were hurt physically.   

I remember previous years when upon hearing that his friend could not come to...

How do you respond to signals of irritation or stress from someone you barely know? Do you notice a different reaction if the signals are from someone you feel close to? What about when they come from your child? The ways a parent interacts with their child can have a dramatic impact on how the child's brain forges connections to adapt to the environment they find themselves in. 

I remember when I shared my own internal responses after I saw a furrow between my youngest daughter's eyes several years ago. Let me take you on a little journey now, and share how things unfolded a little later on that day in relationship with her.   

After we returned home from an outing with the grandkids, and we put the them down for their naps, I noticed a subtle shift in my daughter's stance. She was standing tall, with her shoulders braced back, and the furrow had returned to crease her brow. "What's up?" I asked as I sat on the couch.   

"Why aren't you putting...

What kind of relationship do you currently have with your child? When you think about your relationship, what happens in your body? Do you experience an opening within or a sense of contraction?  

I remember when one of my daughters and I spent a whole day together caring for my three youngest grandchildren. We got to take them on an outing for one of their friend's birthday parties. During lunch the children asked me for more Cheetos. When I gave one to them, I noticed a furrow between my daughter's eyes as she watched me.   

My internal alarm system rang a muted danger signal, and I noticed my heart rate increased, my chests tightened, and tension began to form at the base of my neck. With intention, I slowed down my inner experience, welcomed the sensations. I breathed into them as I acknowledged to myself that when I am being watched closely I feel nervous, uncertain and worried - so very much wanting relaxation, to have fun, closeness and a shared joy,...

Do you have dreams for your children? What nature of character would you like to see them acquire? Children learn what's important to us and what we value by living with us and observing the outward expressions of our character. They remember, imitate, and recreate these ways of being in the world. When I intentionally take time to learn ways of being that are rooted in compassionate self-understanding I am also taking an important step in an unfolding process that supports my children to know themselves.   

I remember experiencing the beauty of this with one of my grandsons when he was two-years-old. My three grandchildren were visiting, Rylan and I had a fun and busy morning with them. We put together puzzles, read and told stories, shared pretend play in the play-room, and observed Uncle Rylan's frog, Mr. Ed. 

When I noticed lunchtime was drawing near, I brought out the color books and crayons and asked, "Would anyone like to color while Grammy works in the...

Do you ever feel afraid at night? I know I have, and as a child it was a variety of things at night that I was afraid of. It can be different for everyone.

I remember when Rylan told me about his fears in the night. He said, ”I just get so scared! If I wake up and you aren't there I think you are dead!"   

"I'm hearing just how scared you feel when you wake up and think I'm dead because you can't see me," I reflected, "you really like it when you know I'm okay and you aren't alone?" I guessed.   

"Yeah," Rylan's eyes widened as he continued, "but I get so scared my stomach hurts and it terrifies me! I want it to stop and I don't know what to do."   

"So you feel so scared your stomach hurts and it's terrifying? You really want it to stop; yet don't know what to do? I'm guessing you might like some support and new tools maybe?" I reflected with an empathy guess. 

Rylan nodded and leaned towards me slightly. Taking in his...

Have you ever woken up early in the morning with a million thoughts racing through your head? And each thought is telling you what you should be doing, or better yet, telling you what you should already have done? Well, I remember when that was my experience one morning! 

I was telling myself, "You need to get up now, before Rylan wakes up, so you can write your newsletter?" "Hurry, before you run out of time!" "You were supposed to already have published your newsletter, hurry up!" "And don't forget to update your website." "Remember to create those new seminars while you are at it." "You really need to spend time connecting with the horses at least three times a week." "You ought to spend more time with your friend before she leaves." "Don't forget to plant seeds in the green house today." As the thoughts sped up I had the sensation that a balloon was about to burst within my chest. 

I recognized my familiar thought-life and paused deliberately. I took a deep cleansing...

Do you remember what you thought about parenting when you were a young adult? Did you have an opinion about what makes a "good parent" or how kids "should" be raised? Did you have any ideas that were different from the way you were brought up? I remember saying, as a young expectant mother, "I'm never going to yell at my kids, I'm going to listen to them and pay attention to them. I'm going to be a good mother." Needless to say, I have experienced surprise at my own behavior when I have reacted more harshly than I ever thought I would to my children. How could this happen when I said I would never behave this way?

My fierce love for my children has always been a focal point throughout my life; the intensity of this strong emotion has been an anchor for me to the high-road state of mind. By high-road I am referring to our ability to have choice about how we act and our ability to choose our long-term goals for our children's well-being over short-term goals like quiet or ease. This...

Have you ever felt really happy to see someone and felt knocked off-balance by their response? Do the needs for predictability and a sense of care in relationships come up in your day-to-day life? These are very familiar needs for me, along with wanting to live with a sense of congruence and ability to make meaning in the midst of those 'off-balance' moments. 

I have been pondering how we are interconnected, and intentionally seeking a way to have solid grounding in my life, for resiliency, wanting to be present in such a way that I am creating meaning and finding purpose in each moment, especially as a parent. Because when I am able to perceive, make sense of, and respond to my child's needs, I am co-creating with him an internal working model of safety and security he can rely on. 

I remember noticing my son was eating and sleeping a lot while going through a really big growth spurt. My guess was it was a really big stimulus for him, and I imagined that his nerve endings...

Have you ever been knocked off balance by the unexpected happening? I know I have! Let me share a story with you. I remember several years when my son, Rylan, came tearing up the back steps and into the house, wide- eyed and breathless. I noticed his shirt and pants were wet in places. "What's going on? Are you okay?" I asked as I reached toward him. 

He crouched away as he sank onto the floor and the words tumbled out, "I was just playing with my squirt gun and took it over to Jim's where he was watering his plants outside. When I squirted it towards him, he said, 'you might not want to do that or something like this might happen,' and then he sprayed me with the hose! It was really hard, and I didn't call him a f--r but I flipped him off and now I'm scared he hates me and will get me! Dad saw it all and said we have to go talk with him before we can leave, and I'm scared!" 

"Where is your Dad? He was there with you and saw it all happen?" I asked, trying to make sense of...